Finding a better partner for yourself is always needed, especially in the time of despair, loneliness, or just pure curiosity. A relationship should be a source of support and unconditional love.
But why does every relationship end so soon? Why do we see a partner as a soulmate connection, while things are breaking down so fast, we start realizing, “Maybe there isn’t someone right for me? Maybe I just can’t form a stable relationship. Is it me or do my partners always mess things up?”
To be honest with you, there are always two parties who are equally responsible for the downfalls of a relationship. Can’t seem to find common ground? Do your partners start ghosting you in a blink of an eye? Let’s see the reason why your relationships never come to fruition.
Let’s not stick to time stamps. A long-lasting relationship can be anything from half a year to several years, but that is not important. A long-lasting relationship is always predetermined by some deeper connection, as well as the feeling of obligation, responsibility, and mutual benefits. Without these qualities nothing else matters. And vice versa, a long-lasting relationship always has something substantial.
- You are a serial monogamist
Serial monogamists are people who remain loyal in one relationship, but when something rubs you in the wrong direction, you break up with your partner without much attachment. Jumping into the next relationship might not be a problem for you. Next thing you know you’re on a Russian video chat looking at the next girl. But the more you change people, habits, houses, the less energy you can restore in between relationships, the less you want to open up to a new partner because at this point, you might sound like a broken record.
What to do: break your cycle. Do the impossible. Stay celibate in solitude for the rest of a year. Breathe and think deeply about your priorities. Think of yourself as a powerful source of energy you cannot give to everyone. Try not to give out your resources to people who don’t do much for you. Learn to receive before giving. Don’t rush with a “serious relationship” status. If you can’t tell who is and who is not right for you, ask your inner circle. What do they think of this newcomer? Are they going to stay?
- You have a pattern
Let’s say each one of your relationships somehow resembles a previous connection. Maybe you have the same complaints, or your relationship ends because of the same issue. Could it be a series of toxic relationships where you play the role of a rescuer? What if each time you end up with a cheating scandal, abuse, emotional coldness or neglect? If you find yourself caught up in a cycle of never-ending sadness, no wonder none of your relationships last long. You attract people who are unable to provide emotional stability or comfort, that’s why even if you are optimistic about each connection, these relationships end for the same reasons.
What to do: trace your dating history and establish why you are attracted to the same kinds of people. What to do you get from these connections? Pity, sense of helpfulness, ability to play paternal/maternal role for these people? To understand why you’re in a cycle of short toxic relationships, you’ll need to figure yourself out first.
- You have a low self-esteem
Let’s imagine the opposite situation: all of your exes were extremely nice people. But this “niceness” frightened you, so you were the one who ended up detaching from them, unable to sustain emotional support. You were confused by this much attention, so the only natural thing would be running away or sabotaging a fresh relationship. Why do nice guys finish last? See, we come to every relationship with emotional baggage, the more connections – the more baggage you’ll have. At some point in your life you might’ve been proven you don’t deserve nice treatment. That’s why if someone approaches you with good deeds, you automatically feel alienated and feel an urge to either make a relationship bad, just like you’re used to, or completely reject a potential partner after a couple of weeks of dating.
What to do: prove yourself you are worthy of a good connection. You can receive gifts, be taken to dates, be cared for without a feeling of guilt. Realize that this type of relationship is the norm. Improve your feeling of self-worth and the next time, accept a good person into your life.
- You are scared of commitment
Another popular reason is letting things end before they have a chance to develop. Let’s say you feel a strong attraction to a certain person. But once they decide to go further, you automatically get turned off and shut down. As soon as they talk about marriage, kids, or moving in together, the idea of having someone that close makes you feel suffocated and evokes this almost primary fear of losing yourself. This stems from bad experience, childhood trauma, or inner conflicts.
What to do: risk it and move together. You can always break up with your partner if you won’t like where this relationship goes. But once you decide to take a big step into the unknown, you’ll realize that depending on another person is, in fact, pleasant and oftentimes very needed.
- You are unable to compromise
“My way or the highway!”, you say each time they don’t serve your needs. In this situation, you are being way too self-sufficient, preferring to rather cut off a connection that doesn’t satisfy your needs than working on it. Not to be a pessimist, but it’s impossible to build a long-lasting connection without compromising every day. You need to understand that your partner is a person with a completely different character, from a different background, inner circle, and social influence. They are never going to think the way you do, so a little compassion wouldn’t hurt.
What to do: if this happens in every relationship, you need to tame your ego. Commitment, especially marriage, is everyday compromising. You need to learn to respect your partner and their differences or find a rare gem of a relationship where you don’t have to compromise.
- You have trust issues
Trust issues are hard to deal with. They intoxicate every relationship with fear of abandonment or loss of control. Maybe you have been hurt before, or it’s an inner reminder that you don’t deserve a stable connection? Anyway, trust is the only thing that cannot be compromised.
What to do: share your fears with your partner. Admit that you feel insecure, that you are scared they would leave you for someone better. Admit being afraid to be left alone and betrayed. Define your borders, explain what triggers this feeling in you: ghosting, missed calls, them working at late hours, having many attractive friends. When your partner is serious about your connection, they would do everything not to trigger your fear and let you feel secure in this connection.
- You don’t have a big picture
Once you get in a long-term relationship, you don’t know what to do with it. Do you take initiative? How fast should you move? And, most importantly, is there someone better you may miss out on in case you stay with this partner?
What to do: at this point, you are overthinking too much. Once you fall in love with a person, you are going to know that this is right. If you’ve never felt like your relationship is “just right”, I recommend you not stressing yourself too much about things that could or could not happen. Live in a present moment and go with the flow. No one has a master’s degree in relationships, so it’s always a big riddle whether you stay or go. Let time be the indicator of that.
- Know your likes and dislikes. Once you get a lot of experience in dating, you should be able to identify which partner doesn’t serve your needs. That way you’ll spend less time on the wrong people and concentrate on the right candidate.
- Make demands from the start. Decide what things you need to share on a first date. For example, if you want kids, don’t wait until your partner changes their mind. It rarely happens. Instead, you will break up eventually, feeling attached and brokenhearted.
- Heal yourself before going into a long-lasting relationship. While dating, you can receive and have fun, a stable relationship requires serious contribution from both parties. Start a long-lasting only when you feel like you have enough resources.
- Work on your childhood trauma. Whether you want to admit psychological factors or not, an open wound from your childhood is often the reason why you’re unable to trust people or fall for bad candidates. Once you sort out all of your issues, you will start attracting only the right people who will make you feel good.
- Work on your maturity and responsibility. It’s easy to blame your ex for a failed connection, but with each relationship must come experience and maturity. Once you become an adult and act like one in your connection, you guarantee some extra years of stable relationships.
There may be hundreds of reasons why your relationships don’t go far. These are only a few of them. But once you feel amazing, stable, and secure as a separate human being, you will attract only the right kind of people who will treat you nicely and motivate you to develop as a person.